What A F*ckup!
I’m sure this is something we’ve all said to ourselves at one time or another. It can be true sometimes if we really screw up and hurt ourselves and others.
I reminded myself of this daily, even when something wasn’t my fault, I would covertly steal the blame and own it like I bought it at an auction. My mother had a major role in me living this way, being blamed for the negativities of her life affected me more than I care to admit, however once that abuse stopped, it was my responsibility to begin healing from it. I knew an apology wouldn’t come, so I didn’t need to wait for it, even though I did.
Sounds easy right? Just make a few decisions, then stay the course, yeah? Sadly, no, it wasn’t so simple. There was a level of guidance needed over time for me to see that my emotional response to blame others was a deep seated problem that had to be rooted out before I could apply any type of consistency and effectiveness in long-lasting healing.
I did this through others that cared from a community that desired wellbeing for those within it. With their input, and viewpoint from the outside, I could eventually say and accept that I am responsible for my part in life and those that caused me harm are responsible for theirs. You need to apply this to yourself otherwise you will carry guilt, shame, and blame for things you were never supposed to.
I’ve written about this a couple of times in the main course, but it’s vital to know that you must only accept personal responsibility, not any one else’s!
When it came to food, man I could down 10k calories or more per day, this is insane! With today’s food options, it’s doesn’t take too much to reach that number. Calorie dense food is on every shelf, even the “healthy” foods are riddled with sugar, or salt, or both, and they’re addictive by design.
Growing up I was blessed to never have these foods available, or even most junk foods, but I was more than capable of preparing foods so they’d be calorific catastrophes. You can imagine in this case how I could stack on the food in a time where Door Dash, Menulog, and other similar services didn’t exist; well all it really took was having a huge meal after school (approx 2500-3000 calories) in one sitting. This meal was normally four slices of white toast with butter and red kidney beans. Eating this (or eating more bread to compensate for the lack of beans) really stacked on the weight.
As a kid, I didn’t possess the wisdom or knowledge to know this was a coping mechanism, but it certainly comforted me after a day of intense racial and psychological abuse at school. I didn’t know at the time that I was developing a strong negative relationship with food.
I could justify myself and blame all sorts of events for my situation, but there’s two problems with that
the situations are long over and done with
Justifying myself just means I want to continue doing it, and I would be finding avenues to do that
I was training myself to become an expert at the f*ck up. You see, my thinking then was that if I suffer, I can just eat something after and feel better. Even now I sometimes think how I could eat something during/after stress (usually unhealthy) but I understand now what that means for my body and how it enforces childhood traumatic behaviour. This type of thinking transcended other aspects like study, work, and friendships. I learned that in stressful situations or if I had done stupid shit, I could just lie to get off the hook without suffering consequences…until I would eventually own up to it, but I would still eat tonne of food regardless. I was trained to be a f*ck up, but I also had a problem…integrity. Lies, addictions, and deceptive behaviour cannot stand integrity.
I began leaning into this integrity part of me in my late 30’s and found that all the bullshit just had no substance or use (did it ever?). You never have to cover up the truth, but lies always require more lies to cover up the previous lies.
So, my journey of f*cking up less has been long, it still happens, but is rare, which I am proud of, and I hope you’re proud of your successes.