Getting To The Good Bits!
The healing started to show itself around 2022 when I MADE THE DECISION to put it behind me. That’s right, a decision had to me made. Healing never comes by osmosis, and time does not heal all wounds. I say this because the moment anything reminded me of the abuse, or I had a bad day, it would flare up again, not at intensely as when it was fresh but enough to ruin my day emotionally and with food.
So, how did I start? Certainly wasn’t easy. Having a baby girl at that time was a pivotal moment for us, and knowing that i could either pass on the trauma and train my daughter to continue the abuse, or healing myself from it and providing her a new and healthy way to live her life were my options. I couldn’t live with the abusive thoughts and self-destruction any longer and seeing my gelatinous body was a reminder that it was my reward for fuelling abuse with trauma habits. There was no way my little girl was going to go through that or develop those thought patterns.
In retrospect, I also needed to do this for myself! It sounds self-absorbed but (here’s the cliche) how can you give from an empty cup? No matter what my motivations were (motivation is bullshit, seriously) if my cup was empty, any changes would never last! I’ve lost weight before but because there was no internal work, the motivation died and the weight poured back on. My advice to anyone is do the internal work first. Look into your mind mechanics, know how they operate, most importantly know where the mind’s weak impulses are. I am still working on these but what gives me peace is that growth happens during this, I don’t have to wait to start realising potential. Let’s face it our mind is a lifelong improvement process.
When I made the decision to put it behind me I began meeting people that provided insights into mental performance, one such person was Shawn French. I was scrolling (not Doom though - see what I did there gamers?) and within a couple of thumb movements I found him promoting his book titled Unstoppable. He was different from all the “gurus” as he was genuine in his approach not a salesman. As our friendship has grown solid, I found that not only his book but also his mentorship coaching is who he is, not just what he does. I purchased the book but he didn’t freight to Australia so he personally converted it to PDF and emailed it through. It was from this first interaction that we started talking and becoming friends. It was through this connection and friendship that I connected to other legendary people like Tony Whatley, Tyler Todt, Gia Macool, Brian Siler, amongst others.
February 2023 he interviewed the legend that is Matthew Headden. At this time I hadn’t taken any steps toward prioritising my health (yes, that’s a good way to put it) especially in reference of food intake and training. Matthew had some great insight into how we look at food as a good vs bad model, and that the bad often if not always wins. This is primarily due to two things, we want something the more we resist it, and bad food tastes soooo good. We go to war with ourselves when we resist, and I was completely stuck in that cycle, for years - resist, eat, resist, eat and so on.
I knew this was true (I know myself quite well) but that didn’t mean I was going to change it! I wanted to change, get jacked, be healthy, and live out of my true identity (whatever that was) but the duality was that these thoughts/desires had no strength or receipts behind them, I had nothing but failure in all areas of life hence the duality thinking was constant and the other guy, the failure guy, always won in the end! I had to realise that I needed singularity thinking (no, not that Singularity) or I was gonna die unnecessarily from preventable causes.
From February this year, things just seemed to get worse, I put on more weight, my daughter was growing and began to move around a lot more, so while she was becoming active, I became inactive, I was eating comfort food lie it was going out of fashion, and in that we were broke all the time. My heart and mind weren’t in my employment and my director knew it but had unmeasurable grace. Nothing had the power to cut me loose from the years old spiral of inactivity and depression, and not only was I not healthy and had all the symptoms (see previous modules for those) I was edging out of 5XL size clothing into 6XL, I was fighting the change, but then I thought, wait, if I can fight this negative change, maybe I can make some positive ones and back them up with action? Do them in faith you could say, faith that better decisions will mean better outcomes, regardless of time frame.
That was a way of thinking I had never pondered before because let’s face it, we all want to fix "it” quickly, right? Us obese people know this better than most, weight loss is one those societal issues that has so much stigma and misunderstanding but the point above is universal, we can agree with it without question. In many aspects we never learn that we need time to make life-long changes. For me, it was at the end of October 2023 when my friend Matthew Headden sent an invite on his Instagram page to a Thanks-Shredding 14 Day Challenge. It was a free challenge so I thought about it for a couple of hours and thought “Fuck it, I may as well try it!” I sent him a message “SHRED” to his page and then nothing for a couple of days, then I received an email about what we’d be doing, then after two days another one with login details to the Trainerize app.
Dude, the first couple of days were sketchy at best, the Friday before the challenge started I consumed over 5000 calories from just eating normally, using the app to measure my food was an eye-opener, I saw for the first time in a while that I was eating close to or above this number every day, is it any wonder I climbed up in weight to 170kg at one point? Even though this was an “L” I was exhilarated. Sure, I had no control, but now I had proof of how I had no control! The Saturday was more controlled than the Friday with food which gave me momentum to continue.
I missed the first workout as I was nowhere near a gym and I hadn’t prepared myself for them, so again, an "L” but I knew once we returned home I wouldn’t miss the next one, and I didn’t for the end of the challenge! I could have improved my food choices, but I mostly kept within the calorie limit and tried to consume the required protein, I wasn’t too worried about fats and carbs at this point. I struggled with what to eat on some days but this is normal because the transition from one way of eating to another can be brutal, but I knew that change occurs when you follow through on those better split-second decisions.
After the two weeks ended I was announced as the winner of the challenge, which shocked me as I knew there were fitness professionals within the group. I was sad and despondent because it was over and I saw myself going back to old habits. Why? I had two weeks of good habits but what I would truly miss was the accountability and people with a common goal that I could talk with. I asked Matthew if as part of my prize if I could continue for a further two weeks which he was more than willing to allow.
At the end of the month (November 2023) I lost 14 kilograms and dropped a shirt size. This is great however what I appreciated the most was the community and accountability the group provided. There is strength in doing it alone but it makes any course correction difficult because there’s no checks or balances to aid your progress and no one to help with your training programme, and most important no one to help track your food. That final point is something I still struggle with today, mostly getting the macros in line with my requirements. Just know this, that not getting this as close as possible for weight loss and muscle retention will not slow down the fat loss, but slow down the muscle building as well.
Ok guys, that’s it really, you’re all caught up. This as you can tell is focused on my journey and history of weight loss and I hope it’s been a good introduction and provides an idea of what can experience and feel when they have food related trauma responses and habits that form over a lifetime.